On Open Letter to Guys on OkCupid Locals

If you’re on OkCupid, you have probably at least heard something about their locals app. For those that haven’t, it’s an app you can use to see which users are near where you are and then meet up with them. Now, I can openly admit that I was a little hesitant to use the it at first. I am not sure why. But, eventually I caved and I have to say that I owe some of my best nights to that app.

However, as much as I say that I like the app I find that I get pretty annoyed with it as well. It’s not the app itself, it’s just that some of you gentleman are doing it all wrong. So, I am going to help you out a little.

Being on OkCupid locals does not make me your fuck buddy.

OK, I get that a lot of people think the app makes it a little easier to hook up on the internet. I am not saying that I condone this idea but I am also not saying that I am against it. But, that does not give you the right to message me at 3am and ask if I’d like to come over to your place when we’ve never even met face to face.

It’s also probably not the best idea to send me a message asking if I’m still DTF when we’ve never met face to face. We all know I am not a fan of that whole thing. And, if I call you out on it, don’t say you accidentally typed DTF and meant to type something else. There is no autocorrect in the world that will accidentally correct something to DTF. Sorry.

If you’re on OkCupid locals, be willing (and prepared) to meet.

I have actually found that guys on locals drag their feet more about meeting than guys on the regular site. Did you not understand what the point was when you started using the app? And, if you were merely just curious, how did you not understand the point when you actually started using the app?

Now, let me just say that I get that you’re probably sending messages to a few gals on there and maybe you end up finding one who is interesting so then you kind of forget about the others. I have no issue with this. The issue is the guys who contact me to meet but then want to chat for hours or suddenly start to have a list of excuses once the plan for meeting starts -- it’s too far, I have to shower, you’re with your friends, it’s too late and so on. If you’re not up for meeting, get off of an app that’s made to make it easier to help you meet people. That’s a pretty simple concept.

Don’t ask for my number and then start texting me to flirt with you (or ask for more pictures).

First, I am not sending you a picture of my boobs so just get over it. If you’d like to see my boobs then meet me in person and perhaps that might happen for you at some point. Second of all, I have no desire to sext with some dude that I have never met in person. They make all kinds of sites for that kind of thing. Go use them. Third, if I gave you my number it’s because it’s easier to make a plan to meet. Like I said, that’s the point of locals. It’s not so we can chat for the next four hours.  

Speaking of chatting, leave the words “let’s chat” or anything related to chatting or talking out of your broadcast.

If you’re hanging out within a few block radius of me, why would I want to chat with you? Enough said.

If you’re on OkCupid locals please don’t talk about how bored you are.

We all get that maybe you’re on the app to put a little spice in your day/night. But saying you are bored on your broadcast is the equivalent to dudes who say they don’t really do online dating but decided to give it a try because a friend told them to. Translation? It’s not something you need to state. Ever.

It’s locals, not Facebook (though there are certain things you shouldn’t post on their either).

We all know how I feel about a certain kinds of Facebook posts. But really, locals isn’t Facebook (or Twitter or Foursquare). I mean, it’s really awesome if you are going to a cool show or whatever but you don’t really need to update your broadcast 20 times a day about every little thing you’re doing -- especially when those things make you too busy to actually meet someone off the app.

Have you used the locals app? What would you add to the list?

Questions I Hate: What Do You Do For Fun?

It’s no secret that I feel like I’ve been dating for 100 years. Through all those years of dating I’ve obviously had a number of first encounters with guys. You know, online, speed dating, first dates, etc. And, with all of those first encounters come a lot of questions in order to get to know each other. Some of those questions are fantastic and even though I get asked them often, it makes sense to answer them. But, there are a few that I get asked far too often and that I wish the dating gods would just retire.

One of them, actually inspired my very first post as a blogger (when it didn’t use to annoy me as much). But there is another that’s been creeping up on me lately – what do you do for fun?

Now, I can openly admit that a lot of people are probably thinking what the hell Jess? I mean, are you really going to throw a fit about something as little as that? Doesn’t it actually show that a guy is interested in you?

And, I can admit those reactions are valid. After all, the question does seem harmless. I think I should be clear here that I have no problems with the concept itself. I mean, if you’re going to get to know a person then you should probably want to know the kinds of things they enjoy doing, right? But that’s kind of the thing here. There’s really no need for the actual question “what do you do for fun?”. And here’s why:

People will tell you who they are if you just listen.

You’ll learn the things people like by getting to know them. Walk around the city or even just listening to their conversation. When they say things like “last week I went to this concert” or “that is one of my favorite restaurants” then you will start to learn what they do for fun.

It’s really hard to actually list all the things you do for fun

Honestly, I just find it hard to list things I like. It’s hard for me with anything – movies, music, books, you name it. So much of what I like depends on my mood. On any given weekend you’re likely to find me watching Parking Wars, writing, or drinking at my local watering hole. Now, that doesn’t mean these are the only things that I like to do or that I am not open to doing other things, it’s just that I tend to be a creature of habit and those are the things I do most often.

Do I like other things like museums, the park, an occasional movie or the theater, antique stores and street fairs? Absolutely.  Am I open to suggestions and trying new things? You bet. But, the last time I went to a museum was when I first moved to New York City last summer. It’s been months since I’ve seen a movie and even longer since I’ve done the theater or a street fair.  So, it seems a little weird to not include them in my list but it can appear sketchy to group them with the things I do most often.

People aren’t always self-aware.

It’s not that people necessarily lie about themselves, but it’s more that they just aren’t aware of how much they really like to do (or not do) something. It’s also really easy to hear something someone else likes and think you could like that too so you say you like it too. And, of course, it’s easy to want to agree with someone just so they’ll like you.  Again, this is why it’s better to see what a person likes for yourself.

Side note: I can’t totally take credit for this because it was brought to my attention by one of my Facebook friends, Karin Anderson. You might remember her from a blog post a I wrote a while back about her book It Just Hasn’t Happened Yet.

Man Keeps Spreadsheet of Dates

Yesterday, I stumbled on an article over on HowAboutWe.com. You can read the article for yourself but basically it was about a guy who made a spreadsheet about all of his online dates. Then he sent it to one of the ladies and she sent it out for some good laughs.

Now, do I find this situation laughable? Absolutely. But, I have to be totally honest here – I am not sure what people are all up in arms about. I mean, is it the fact that he kept a spreadsheet or the fact that he’s going on so many online dates? Because, honestly, I don’t have an issue with either.

It’s a pretty known fact that if you’re dating online, you’re probably going on dates with more than one person. I mean, I don’t know that many people who send a message to one person, then wait to see what develops with that before moving on to the next. Actually, it’s also a pretty known fact that a lot of people cast a wide net – meaning he/she sends out a lot of messages and then waits to see what comes back. So, really, why are we all shocked that some dude had dates with multiple gals?

Is a spreadsheet shocking? Not really. I mean, sure the guy might be a little OCD or overly organized but, I will make a huge confession here, I have been guilty of mixing up details about one guy with some details about another. And I don’t say that to brag because it’s not like I have that many guys beating down my door. It’s just it’s not that uncommon to have conversations with more than one guy and mix up some details. So, I kind of give him props for wanting to organize his dating life so impeccably. Actually, I almost want to ask him on a date because I might have found a person who is more organized than I am. Kudos guy really.

Sure, I guess critiquing women in the manner that he did could be considered wrong. And, maybe he was wrong for actually writing it out. But, let’s face it, we all critique members of the opposite sex in a manner that could be considered wrong. I know I have said some harsh things about guys in my head or to friends. I have never meant it to be mean but I guess it could be considered that.

And, I mean, I don’t want to point out the obvious but I am a dating blogger. I write publicly about things that happen while I am dating. There are tons of other people out there who do what I do. I don’t use my blog to humiliate anyone just like how this guy wasn’t really using his spreadsheet for that.

Which brings me to the part where I think he was moron – if you keep a spreadsheet of your dates, don’t send it out. Enough said.

I am curious about two things – a) no one is really saying anything to her about sharing it with her friends (and now the whole world). I mean, I am not trying to take a side here but does anyone think maybe it was a little wrong for her to do that? And, b) what would we all be saying if this was a woman who made a spreadsheet of her dates? Would it make a difference?

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